Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Prediagnosis : What is this feeling?

Age: 15, day 1
Current Medication: None
Recent Illnesses: None
Occupation: High School student, soccer referee, babysitter

I was standing in the kitchen talking to my father. I got a strange, random dream feeling. He continues talking to me, but I hardly noticed and didn't understand him as I was experiencing a new state of mind. I remembered this dream I had from when I was about 5 years old. It repeated in my head. I sat on an enormous piece of macaroni and slid down it with my legs in the air. What a strange and random thought. I hadn't remembered that dream since I first had it. I got goosebumps on my arms, though I wasn't cold.  I said something to my dad, but I am not sure what. He walked away.

That strange feeling disappeared as my dad left the kitchen. I was left confused, lacking emotion. I looked down and noticed I was standing in a puddle of urine. My pajamas pants were wet. Heaven forbid my parents or siblings see that I just did that. I grabbed a bundle of paper towels, some wet with soap and some dry, and dropped to my knees to start cleaning it up. I didn't feel that happening when I was standing there during my dream nor did I feel the need to use the bathroom at any time since I had gone a couple hours ago. I put the paper towels in the garbage can and hid it under a pile of trash to make sure it wasn't found.

I walked quickly directly to my bedroom, stripped myself of the pajama pants and jumped in the shower. Standing in the shower, I knew I was not going to have to explain myself to anyone when I'm alone. I teared up a little bit, embarrassed. What if someone had seen me? What if I was in school and the other students started laughing at me? Did my dad think I was acting weird? Will I have to explain myself to him? What if my mom smells it on my pajamas when she does my laundry?

The continuous thought that kept running through my head was, "what happened to me?" I chose to keep it to myself; it's never happened before so it will never happen again.